In Search of Adam Page 22

  My palm is crowded.

  Line upon line.

  A spider’s web.

  Intrigue. Complicated. Destined.

  I need to find my mother.

  The time is right. You know that the time is right.

  Blood brought me my sign.

  The red washed out all that is inside.

  I am pure now.

  I am ready now.

  I understand.

  I understand my mother.

  I must go and tell her.

  I forgive her.

  I am ready.

  I have made my decision.

  Off in search of Adam.

  A bottle of vodka.

  And a jar of paracetamols.

  A note.

  My note reads:

  Gone in search of Adam.

  Thoughts

  Caroline Smailes

  Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

  Epigraph to In Search of Adam

  Why is your epigraph taken from Genesis?

  That’s where In Search of Adam begins. We all know that God created Adam from the dust of the ground and placed him in the Garden of Eden. He couldn’t live alone, so a woman, Eve, was created from Adam’s rib. God forbade this man and this woman to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. But, the woman was tempted by a serpent and she ate.

  But.

  And this is the significant but.

  Eve shared the pleasure with Adam and he ate too. The serpent tempted Eve and she tempted Adam. They were all punished. The epigraph tells of Eve’s punishment and In Search of Adam stems from a modern-day working-class Eve. Sarah Williams is Eve.

  And where do you begin?

  I begin at the very beginning. Where else? I begin with a need to find purity and perfection, to go in search of Adam. In search of the man who is untainted and innocent.

  Are you taking us further than a simple story?

  I am taking you as far as you want me to. In Search of Adam was born of a religious seed and developed into a reflection on thesociety that we live in, one where we seek to blame, to point a finger and to gain pleasure from tales of downfall. There is a lack of acceptance of responsibility, a lack of consideration for the consequences of actions and a lack of humanity. It is this that has led to a spiralling down and to the maltreatment of the innocent. It is our children who suffer at our hands. I can rant on, but this is where I started. I started to write with Adam in mind.

  And what came next?

  The story unfolded. The novel begins with a six-year-old child, Jude, finding her dead mother lying next to an empty bottle of vodka, an empty jar of tablets and a suicide note reading ‘Gone in search of Adam.’ That was the image that wouldn’t budge. That’s where I had to start. I then tried to examine and understand firstly why the mother would kill herself and then to allow the consequences of this action to unfold. Then. Came the idea for the after-school care of Jude being divided among her neighbours. Then. One of the neighbours had a brother who raped Jude. Then. As another consequence, Jude stepped into a life of self-harm, eating disorders and continued abuse patterns. The novel ends with Jude about to commit suicide with vodka and tablets. A full circle. In the middle of Jude’s story, Sarah—Jude’s mother—interrupted and told her story through diary entries. Within these diary entries, Sarah tackled the idea of heaven and hell and the awareness that she had sinned. She believed that she had killed her son. Later in the story, through Bill, Jude’s father, we learn that Sarah had had a baby, Adam, and that she had suffered from postnatal depressionwhich was heightened by Adam’s incessant crying. When Adam was six months old, she had left him alone in their flat and returned to find him dead. She had gone against rules; she had been tempted by silence. Her husband, Bill, had found Sarah and the dead baby and had chosen to protect Sarah.

  And here lies the connection to Genesis. For their sins, their eyes were opened and they knew that they had done wrong. Sarah then lived a life in the shadow of an abusive husband and her sorrow and longing prevented her from loving Jude. Bill worked all hours in a desperate need to achieve something and in doing so rejected his family. So In search of Adam was born out of Genesis.

  I must stop you there. I can’t believe the rubbish that you’re spouting. You’re claiming that my story is a creative take on the Bible. You’re trying to be clever when clearly you’re not and I’m not at all impressed.

  I’m sorry—and you are?

  My name is Jude Williams and I’m the bairn whose story she’s telling. I met her when I was in hospital. When we were in hospital. I was eighteen at the time. What? She hasn’t told you that? I didn’t think she would. I didn’t think that she’d like you to know which bits are mine and which bits are hers. She’s perfected this cover story of her being an all-creative being and clearly she’s not. I told her my story, she mixed itwith hers and then she typed the words into what she attempts to call a novel. Slowly, mind you, she types really slowly. She’s really crap at typing.

  But she’s just said that you die at the end. How can you be here if you’re dead?

  I’ve no intention of killing myself. Life’s been pretty shitty, but I’m no coward. Perhaps it’s her that’s heading that way.

  So you’re telling me that In Search of Adam is a true story?

  Yes.

  And it is all true. Every detail is true?

  Yes.

  So all of those horrific things happened to you?

  Some of them and the others happened to her. You don’t believe me? Why would I make that up? How can she imagine such horrific things? They’re too horrific and too real not to be true. And, if you do believe me, then surely you must be thinking that she’s twisted and clearly in need of help?

  And here lies the problem with In Search of Adam. My biggest problem has been reader/workshop reaction to the content. This novel did not exist until I started my MA and it has developedrapidly. I have pushed boundaries and addressed issues, such as paedophilia, rape, bulimia and violence, without shying away from the visual. This has led people to question my motives and to feel sympathy for me. I refuse to answer their direct questions. I refuse to say what is fact and what is fiction. Why should I? It’s a story and I believe that it should be read as a story.

  So—you admit that some of your content is fact?

  No. I don’t admit anything.

  Yes all of it is.

  Why did you write In Search of Adam?

  Because it was within me. I wasn’t in control of it. I sat and it poured out. My story poured out. I wrote because I love to write. The story spun and turned and sometimes I lost control of it.

  That’s because it’s my story.

  No. It’s mine. In Search of Adam is my own search. My own need to find answers and to explore purity. I feel that a fog has lifted and I’ve written about subjects that need to be voiced. I played with language. I broke grammatical rules, paid attention to consistencies and stretched language to bring life to the senses. I’ve played with one-word sentences, one-word paragraphs and refused to use speech marks. I made pretty patterns with typography. I played a truly enjoyable game. The writingexperience made me feel alive, yet it’s absorbed my thoughts. It was puzzling, cryptic, problem-solving and exhilarating. I am alive.

  So am I.

  What has influenced your writing?

  Grammatical rules and fairy tales.

  What about me?

  You don’t exist.

  But I do. I’m here. You’ve just spoken to me.

  What influences your writing style?

  I write with one thing in mind, acquired on the MA course. I write with it typed and stuck to my wall:

  ‘show don’t tell or tell in a way that shows.’

  That’s a bit cryptic don’t you think?

  Not to me. It wakes me up.

  She hides behind
it and pretends to be a writer.

  And what problems have you encountered?

  In Search of Adam is written in the first person narrative, but not only this, the voice of a child. I can describe only what Jude can see and what I believe that Jude would understand. I have found it difficult to describe setting and to give a sense of place, but I overcame this by using dialect and by simplifying descriptions to a small area around Jude’s street. Her world is stretched from a housing estate to the coast of Lymouth. The story is Jude looking back on her childhood, but she is still a young adult and her memories are locked within the language available to her at that time. She remembers only key moments, stuck visuals and so only those moments are expressed. I describe fragments of a life.

  I’m still here you know. I hate it when you talk about me as if I’m not here.

  You’re not here. I killed you off. I’ve had to locate my narrator and to make her a believable character.

  What, don’t you believe my story anymore?

  I think that Jude’s innocence and all that she can’t communicate allow the reader to trust and want to protect her. She exists within an impressionist painting. The feeling of an understanding, of a memory. I have established a community for her. I have a detailed drawing of her street, with names and histories for every one of her thirty-one neighbours. I know details about door colours, names, ages. I have planned and I have been meticulous.

  But you haven’t been creative. I’ve told you everything. Why aren’t you acknowledging me?

  So what next?

  I have the outlines for my next two novels. Something a little more cheery next. I think either postnatal depression madness or reincarnation. Something to make me smile. Something to give me a break from Jude whingeing in my ear every five minutes.

  I don’t have another story to tell you. Does that mean that you’re going to abandon me? Like everyone else…

  Please be quiet.

  So you can hear me?

  Afterthoughts

  Prompts to discuss or consider

  Jude the collector. Why does Jude collect?

  Consider the significance of the exhibits and the tin in which they were stored (p.82, p.275).

  Think about triggers and reactions. What is the trigger that causes Jude to hide her mother’s bag of secrets and what is the trigger that forces Jude to open that bag (pp.187-190)?

  Before the rape, Jude is saving to buy a globe that lights at the flick of a switch. She never buys it. Globes and atlases are symbols that appear within the novel. Consider the significance of these items (p.34).

  A lamppost flares outside of Jude’s bedroom window and the lighthouse fails to shine. Consider the symbols of light within In Search of Adam.

  A book of decisions and consequences of actions. Is Jude’s analysis of her palm accurate (p.34)? Was it greed that led her onto a path of self-destruction?

  Is Jude a consequence of her mother’s tragedy or does Jude create her own tragedy?

  Are Jude’s actions the result of choice or destiny?

  Consider Jude’s relationship with food. What does Jude gain from this relationship (p.159)?

  Why did Jude think the snowman was evil (p.89)?

  Return to Jude’s miscarriage in 1992 (pp.312-315). Is it a blessing or tragedy?

  If Eddie had not raped Jude, how would the story have altered? Would a happy ever after have been possible?

  Do you think that Aunty Maggie was aware of Eddie’s behaviour (p.95)?

  What is your opinion of Sarah Williams? Was she a good mother?

  Are Sarah’s actions the result of choice or destiny?

  Who is to blame for Jude’s tragic life story? Her mother, her father, Eddie or Jude? Can blame be placed? Should blame be placed?

  Bonds exist. Can you identify and comment on the different bonds within In Search of Adam?

  Do you agree with Bill’s decision to protect his wife after Adam dies (p.282)?

  Did your opinion of Bill Williams alter/evolve as the novel progressed? Is he a good man? Is he a good father? Is he a good husband?

  Consider February 1981 again. A self-harming Jude chooses her father’s hammer. Why (pp.54-57)?

  Consider the peripheral characters within the novel. What influences do these characters have on the choices available to Jude?

  Disraeli Avenue is a close community. Discuss.

  What is the relevance of the road names (p.20)?

  p.95 makes reference to Eddie’s past. Does the community have a duty of care towards Jude? If so, do they fail in this?

  Grammatical and typographical choices have been made within the novel. What is gained by altering font style and sizing? What is gained through altering grammatical rules?

  The section from p.17 onwards describes New Lymouth. How does the author indicate class boundaries? How is Jude’s class represented? What is the author stating about class?

  This is a novel about family ties. How does Jude’s relationship with her immediate family change as the novel progresses? How does Jude’s attitude towards her mother change?

  Does Jude die at the end of In Search of Adam? Could the ending have been happy ever after? Would that have been plausible?

  Twisted fairytale imagery emerges throughout the novel. Jude Williams is a modern day Cinderella. Can you cast the other roles?

  Can you identify the significance of the religious imagery within the novel? The epigraph is taken from Genesis. How religious a novel is this?

  In what way do the events in Jude’s life reveal evidence of the author’s attitudes? What social comment is being made?

  Why do you think that the novel was written? What is the message behind the words?

  Acknowledgements

  For being there at the very very beginning—Jude Williams, Brian Moss and Suzanne Moss. My talented early readers—Karl McIntyre, Emma Darlington, Oli Mell, Paul Maloney, David Simcock, Diana Bradley, Roz Clarke and Ruchita Bakre. The lovely professionals at MMU—Andrew Biswell, Nicholas Royle and Paul Magrs. For waving their magic wands—Clare Christian, Clare Weber and Heather Smith at The Friday Project. For making it all fit together—Julie Pickard, Joanna Chisholm and Lorna Read. For listening to my exclamations when Richard & Judy talked of the ‘nearly woman’ and for insisting that I didn’t press the delete—the stunning Jude Hughes. For their constant support and sparkling encouragement—Johnathan Dennan, Maria McBride, Karen and Patrick Clark, Richard Wells, Sarah Hilton, Ryan Groves, Margaret Coombs, Christopher Kelly, Val and Les Smailes. For the heartening comments and twinkling advice—my initial blogroll of blogger friends. For reading it all, for helping to make it better, for understanding and for being a true friend—Karl McIntyre. For being the person I admire the most in the world and for unquestionable support in everything that I do—the beautiful Paula Groves.

  To my Jacob, my Ben and my Poppy—for making me smile when Jude was making me sad. And finally to my Gary—without you, there would be nothing.

  About the Author

  Caroline Smailes was born in Newcastle in 1973. She moved to the North West to study English Literature at Liverpool University, before going on to specialise in Linguistics. A chance remark on a daytime chat show caused Caroline to reconsider her life. She enrolled on an MA in Creative Writing in September 2005 and began to write In Search of Adam.

  Caroline is currently an Associate Lecturer for the Open University and lives in the North West with her husband and three children.

  www.carolinesmailes.co.uk

  Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.

  Copyright

  paperback edition first published in 2008 by Friday Fiction

  An imprint of The Friday Project Limited

  33 The Cut, London SE1 8LF

  www.thefridayproject.co.uk

  www.fridaybooks.co.uk

  Text © 2008 Caroline Smailes

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduce
d or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronically or mechanically, including photocopying, recording or any information storage or retrieval system, without either prior permission in writing from the publisher or a licence permitting restricted copying. In the United Kingdom such licences are issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency, 90 Tottenham Court Road, London W1T 4LP.

  EPub Edition © SEPTEMBER 2009 ISBN: 978-0-007-34740-7

  British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

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